friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.