Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
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Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos