@captainkalvis

friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons

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@TheMichaelRock

I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.

@SondraDeeMe

“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays

@Book_Krazy

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.

@AmericanGent69

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

@Liffonmelsmork

It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them

@Arr

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

@donni

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

@panmidwest

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

@DecantAndPour

I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.