@captainkalvis

friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons

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@MissMalbec

Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.

@dubiousrhetoric

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

@MarlonBrandNO

I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.

@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

@geekysteven

DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”

@LuvPug

Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone

@sensual_dad

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

@mostlysharks

me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now

american friend: that’s not a real candy

me: or some yowie bungas

american: what

me: dropbear gobstoppers

american: no

me: cassowary chewies

american: please stop

me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders