Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
friend: whats the matter
me: just found out i have a latex allergy
friend: oh shit that means you can’t-
me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I studied abroad for a year. But she got really creeped out and moved away.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
me: dropbear gobstoppers
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders