When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
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[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…