I have been reporting moms on Facebook who brag about how perfect their lives are as fake news.
friend: whats the matter
me: just found out i have a latex allergy
friend: oh shit that means you can’t-
me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons
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Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
It’s getting cold in here
So take off all your clothes
Then we can make a fire with them
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I can tell if someone’s uncomfortable around me just by staring at them for 3 hours.