Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room