Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
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Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Just as the prophecy foretold
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.