VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
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Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
#JohnTravolta
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.