Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
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Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD