FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
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An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
OH. COME. ON.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Birds & Planes.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that