Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

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Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.


That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him


If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.


Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.


parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide


I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.


Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.



*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*


Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.