@_senote_

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

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@Neauxpe

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because you were the only car in the lot and I parked so close you couldn’t open your door.

@mrjohndarby

That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him

@WheelTod

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

@Elizasoul80

Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.

@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@JerryThomas

I just bought an answering machine and it doesn’t work. Or maybe I’m just asking it the wrong questions.

@Kyle_Lippert

Mind: Be careful to protect yourself and don’t jump right in.

Heart: CANNONBALL!!!

@PajamaBenLaden

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

@SemFitty

Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.