“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation