FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
A man of commitment.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE