Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
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ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime