FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
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[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now