[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
It’s an ATM.
Not an ATM machine.
The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.
WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can