friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Gods work.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time