friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

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I said my wife’s name three times in front of the bathroom mirror and now my wallet’s empty…


“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings


Whenever I fill out a job application with a box for “Race,” I add a question mark and then write, “Anytime. Anywhere.”


Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE

I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket


ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog


I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.

Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.


Just remember, you can’t please everyone.

So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.


Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.


Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.



We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.