@climaxximus

friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

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@Tommytoughstuff

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

@mommajessiec

*Sneezes*

Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk

@charliedelta7

It’s an ATM.

Not an ATM machine.

The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.

@laureneoneal

Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?

@Sean_Burgundy_

I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@Paxochka

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

@foodfacenow

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can