friend: where have you been all day

me: hunting shapeshifters

friend: maybe it’s time to turn in

me: [narrows eyes] turn into what

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[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”



Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk


It’s an ATM.

Not an ATM machine.

The M in ATM already covered that, stupid.


Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?


I just want a woman that will look out for me while I’m shaking the vending machine


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.



toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else


Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can