FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
They’re called werewolves.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
One of the best
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.