CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Me: What’d you have for lunch?
Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.