@daemonic3

FRIEND: Where were you?

ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor

FRIEND: Flu?

ME: Nah, just drove really fast

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@PinkCamoTO

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!

@mdvaldosta

Ladies: we’re not fooled by your PMS trickery. I see how happy you are in those tampon commercials.

@ComedicBust

*Speed Dating*

Me: What’d you have for lunch?

Her: Funny you should ask, I had this really great salad wit…

Me: NEXT!!

@FreddieCampion

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

@Marcmywords2

Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.

@kwirkyKerri

This kid with a whistle is about to become my first robbery victim.