@SardonicTart

[Friend who gave birth a week ago]

“I’m on the treadmill!”

[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]

“My tailbone still hurts”

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

@spaceboyriley

Friend: ow I just cut my finger

Me: ouch

Friend: can u put a bandaid on it

Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp

@Shenanigans_luv

My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time

@Reverend_Scott

Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.

@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@aklingus

Here is my take on Godzilla vs King Kong: I bet both of them smell just absolutely horrible. Like, atrociously bad

@PyrBliss

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

@3sunzzz

H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?

Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*