Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Oh thanks BBC.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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