[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
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Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW