FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
You Might Also Like
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
cats when you pet them too long:
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”