@Jade_VK

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

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@TweetsByKaylee

[first day as undercover cop]

me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines

mobster:

@JediGigi

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

@itsmebeegee07

I really don’t mind having gray hair. But why do they have to grow all wild?! Like just be calm like the rest of my hair

@Laser_Cat

The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

@roxiqt

THERAPIST: You need more friends

ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week

THERAPIST: …

ME: …

THERAPIST: … So all of these-

ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys

@piranhapanorama

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

@kumailn

“Well we’ve been looking for this multiple homicide suspect for 5 minutes. Time to close the investigation forever.” – cops in GTA 5

@OldUncleDaveO

Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.

@hellohappy_time

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW