LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
ME: k no I was murdering that day
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?
Sex is only 10% of a relationship unless youre not having it.
Then its 100%.
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.
“You never told me you were vegan!” – no one ever
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
YB: So where are we on that baby?