@Aikiwomannc

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

You Might Also Like

@animadvertguy

LAWYER: where were you Oct 13th?
ME: alibi school
LAWYER: can u prove this?
ME: wait, the 13th?
LAWYER: ya
ME: k no I was murdering that day

@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@jdforshort

If flying by the seat of your pants was so easy, do you think I would still be dealing with morning traffic to get to work?

@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

@Reverend_Scott

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

@theroneman

Son, there’s only one thing in life to fear.
[Car full of bears with machine guns drives by]
Son, there are only two things in life to fear.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?