Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that