me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*