[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.