friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

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Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E




|T|h|i|n|k| |I| |f|o|u|n|d| |s|o|m|e|t|h|i|n|g| |m|o|r|e| |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g| |t|h|a|n| |h|a|s|h|t|a|g|s|


When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.


This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she’s using the other eye. Never mind, she’s just falling asleep.


No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.


been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.