@mostlysharks

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

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@okimstillhungry

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

@

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@iAmJuddy

|T|h|i|n|k| |I| |f|o|u|n|d| |s|o|m|e|t|h|i|n|g| |m|o|r|e| |a|n|n|o|y|i|n|g| |t|h|a|n| |h|a|s|h|t|a|g|s|

@karanbirtinna

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

@BackrowSeats

This beautiful woman is winking at me. Now she’s using the other eye. Never mind, she’s just falling asleep.

@dumbbeezie

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

@wolfpupy

been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@OhNoSheTwitnt

My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.