friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.