@climaxximus

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

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@impaulmccoy

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

@DrakeGatsby

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

@CodyCoconuts

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

@eddie_ferrero

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT

@edawg_eric

*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.

@mom_ontherocks

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

@CelebrityChez

There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.