friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You Might Also Like
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*me flirting
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Mornin. * use accordingly
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies