friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

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People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.


“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football


It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.


NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.


[first day as a microbiologist]

me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this

boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT


*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.


My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything


There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.


Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.