People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
You Might Also Like
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.