Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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Pretty certain I can more drunk
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Weirdly Wednesday.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
me and who
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess