Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
S M O L
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone