Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
You Might Also Like
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
then why did i get this email
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
it’s the silliest best thing
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you