Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
You Might Also Like
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals