If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
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What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?