@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

You Might Also Like

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@Smug_Lemur

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

@InternetHippo

ah yes, halloween. the scary day. the day when everything is terrifying. unlike the other normal days of this year

@better_off_dad

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

@Shade510

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

@VerbsRProudest

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

@anarchicwolf

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

@TweetPotato314

Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?

Her: Yes

Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?