*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
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A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
tell em, edith-anne
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.