People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
You Might Also Like
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
What
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
termite twitter scares me