To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first
Him: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
What do we want? CLICKBAIT
When do we want it? The answer will shock you.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.