FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok


WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

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To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.


[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy


I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.


if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt


What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.


Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up


GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds


he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff


My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.