@daemonic3

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

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@bylinetd

To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”

I want your life.

@ArfMeasures

[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

Him: omg this is cray cray

Me: ok that was easy

@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

@IndecisiveJones

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

@AndyVale

What do we want? CLICKBAIT

When do we want it? The answer will shock you.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@ArfMeasures

GF: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital

ME: That’ll be great, we really need the beds

@ch000ch

he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff

@chi73girl

My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.