court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
yeah no that’s fair
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.