Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.


Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record


A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.


One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.


Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude


Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner


Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!



Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.