Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

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It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.


If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.


My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.


I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.


This poster that says “Green Day: Sold Out” is right in two ways


If all my Facebook friends followed me on twitter, I’d be dragged to church for an exorcism.


Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”


“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”

Where do turtledoves come from?

“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”