Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.