@3sunzzz

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

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@ShawnIzadi

I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.

@Michael1979

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record

@ahumanfireball

A perk of being in your thirties is waking up injured because you slept in a slightly different way than usual.

@MomOnFire

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

@KylePlantEmoji

Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?

Me: idk, two, three hours?

Cop: you have fifteen minutes

Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude

Cop:

Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner

@recursivetaco

Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!

Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT

@RorynotRoy

Spent all last night mouthing words to my dog to try and convince him that he’d gone deaf.