Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
You Might Also Like
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.