@idkrethink

Friend: wyd ?

Me: working

Friend: and wyd after ?

Me : sleeping for work tomorrow

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@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@mommajessiec

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

@Midgetspar

I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@T_Bonezzz

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@Staggfilms

If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.

@Sickayduh

“Happy birthday! ”

– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?

“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”

@TheBoydP

There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.