FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Friend: wyd ?
Friend: and wyd after ?
Me : sleeping for work tomorrow
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I don’t know what “Leg Day” is but spending it at the gym is no way to celebrate.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
“Happy birthday! ”
– Oh wow! A necklace! I love- wait… Did you get me a fake diamond?
“Well, it’s not really your 29th birthday either”
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.