My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
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My birth announcement for our third baby
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat