#Caturday
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Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division