Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks