Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Hank is one in a melon.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there