[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
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Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Personal question. #JustSaying
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.