FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’