Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
You Might Also Like
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
the short answer to this question
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.