people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Do not steal food from the science building!
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway