Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
#ProTip
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway