@Ygrene

Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise

Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper

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@Birdhumms

I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.

@iwearaonesie

MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW

@rebrafsim

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

@rockymomax

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

@Dani_Feld

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

@ibid78

*uses handkerchief*
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.

@Vhalechark

[In bed]

Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan

Her: you mean moan

Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not

@KevinFarzad

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

@Robski_Boy

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.