Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Jail
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.