I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Well now that this is used, it seems I won’t be blowing my nose again til laundry day.
Me: baby, I’m gonna make you groan
Her: you mean moan
Me: *about to tell an awful joke* I do not
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.