I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
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Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
*seductively corrects your posture*
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.