Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
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BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
War & Peace
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…