Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
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#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Room with a view.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago