Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Everyone’s family
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library